Original Konkani Story: Hanv Vanzood Nhay
Author: Sheela Kolambker
Translator: Mitra Borkar
-It was prophesied to her by an astrologer that getting a child within a year of marriage would be ruinous to the entire household.’
-But then why did she agree to the marriage that year?’
-The year was fine for marriage according to him but not auspicious for the birth of a child.
-But wasn’t there any other alternative?
-It was futile telling her. She had to go by the word of the astrologer. At times my husband would get irritated with me but not with his mother… A year passed by.
-You did not try to oppose?
-How could I?
-Then?
“After a year she allowed us to come together and then waited patiently for a year to hear the good news. At the end of the year she took me to the gynaecologist. The doctor advised a thorough check-up of both. Then followed a series of long check-ups, medications, curating… twice or thrice ….even fasting. I went through all that ordeal.”
-But why?
“To make her happy. You know I had a shelter. My mother-in-law took care of me. I had enough to eat. She did not send me to my uncle’s house even if he invited. I did not have to listen any more to his taunts of being ill-omened. The only thing was to conceive. After two years, she started showing her true colors. She began to insult me by calling me sterile. I remained silent for the sake of my husband as he did not say anything on this matter. Perhaps he knew that the fault was in him but as the days passed by he began to change. He was convinced by his mother that a man is never at fault in such cases. “The fault invariably has to be in a woman, it ought to be. Doctor’s reports are wrong.”
And then he too joined his mother. Now he does not hesitate to call me sterile in front of everyone. In fact takes pride in doing that and feels happy to see my fallen face. For him it is a mark of his manliness to see me feel humiliated. You see, for no fault of mine I am suffering all this silently. I can go nowhere. Motherless, a father who will not accept me — nobody to fall back on. Without the confidence to restart, to stand on my own two feet and with no courage to end my life. If I tried and it could end, well and good, but if I were to be maimed and physically handicapped after an attempt at suicide… what would be my predicament?”
She burst into tears again and wept till she sensed a release of all the pent-up suffocation….. She felt relieved. I reassured her its not too late. “I’ll try to coax your husband to see another doctor without letting your mother-in-law know. We will find some way out. The science has progressed lot, there are so many new remedies. There is still hope.”
But then the following year I could not be of any help to her as I came to Goa for my first confinement. I returned to Bombay with my daughter and informed Indu. She came to visit me promptly. She adored children. She would look after my daughter, molly coddle her, pamper her. My daughter immediately took to her. Indu took complete charge of my second delivery too. She would finish her household work in the morning and come to help me till late evening. I could freely leave for some work relying entirely on Indu. My children were safe with her. Indu’s mother-in-law did not like it. She would tell me Indu is not capable of having children. Don’t leave your children with her. That is not proper.”
“Please don’t say so,” I would reply.
“She is not barren. Sometimes it happens late. It is just a matter of time. In any case she is my friend, a maternal aunt to my children. Nothing will happen to my children. There goes as saying… ‘the mother might as well die, but the aunt should survive’….”
But recently I had started sensing a change in Indu. She seemed cheerful, no more unkempt, and content within herself. I had never seen her so happy earlier. I questioned her about it. She tried to brush aside the topic by saying jokingly that I would not entertain her any more if she told me the truth.
She continued to come and spend some time with my children. They would be disappointed if she did not come once in a while. I too was happy to see her joie -de-vivre and did not feel the need to ask her the reason behind it.
Why then this turn of events today? I wondered. How would I explain this to the children? What if she dies? We had reached the hospital. I rushed up to her bed. She was fully burnt, except her face. She was groaning and screaming in agony but on seeing me, she smiled.
“Come near me” she said and held my hand. I shivered at the touch of her burnt skin and tears rolled down my cheeks.
“Indu, what have you done? If you wanted to die, you should have told me, I would have pushed you out of the running train, it would be an instant death. Why die such a slow death and torture us?” I was angry with her.
“You fool”, she tried to pacify me, “I did not try to commit suicide. It was my mother-in-law and my husband who did it…”
“Is it so? Then why did you lie to the police? Why didn’t you tell the facts? But why should they burn you to death? What was your crime? That you are barren?”
-No, much more than that.
-Tell me.
“They continued to deride me by calling me sterile. My mother-in-law arranged a second marriage for her son. When I heard about it, I informed the girl’s family that the fault was with my husband. I took the girl to the doctor and made the things clear. They broke the engagement. But after that I grew alert and vigilant. I had to do something. I had an idea. I knew a man who would urge me to come out of that hell, to stand on my feet. I felt, he could arrange a job for me.”
-Did he say he would marry you if you came out of that house?
“How could he? He was already married with two children. We were drawn to each other. I experienced bliss and ecstasy in his arms. To tell you honestly, there’s much thrill in such a type of clandestine romance.”
My heart broke to see her in such agony and at the same time telling me all this with a smile. Please, stop it Indu,” I said.
“Let me talk, for the last time. This pain is nothing compared to what have enjoyed in life. I used to come to your house, took delight in looking after your children. I enjoyed the motherhood then. I had the status of a wife at home and my lover satisfied the woman in me. My mother-in-law thought that I visited you, she did not object but she did not know that it was an excuse to meet my lover. And then I realised that had conceived. I was elated: I thought that he too would share my feelings. But no, he panicked and advised me to see a doctor. When I refused, he stopped seeing me but I did not mind. I did not need him now. I just wanted to be a mother. Now nobody would call me infertile. One day, as usual, when my mother-in-law called me barren, I told her-No, I am not. I am pregnant….. am going to be a mother…. They took me to the doctor who confirmed that. They questioned me about the person involved. When I did not divulge the name, they were furious, they poured kerosene over me and set me aflame. And here I am….”
-We’ll tell the truth now, teach them a lesson.
“I don’t want to. They may deceive the world but can they run away from their own conscience? It will always prick. They know the truth. I am not barren. I wanted to come and give the good news to you that I was three months pregnant. I was yearning to tell you all this, now I am feeling better. Tell everybody, I was not barren , I was going to be mother but it was my bad luck.. I died in an accident. Tell everybody that I was not barre…n……”
And she breathed her last…with that smile of satisfaction on her lips. It was pointless to be there now; I felt that in a way she was relieved from her pain and agony. Her wailing, her charred face, her last words, her happiness in spite of her pain. …all that was too much for me to bear.
My mind was numb. I was confused and did not know what to do. I came down the steps of the hospital. The police inspector was waiting for me. He insisted that he would drop me home. He literally dragged me to the jeep. On the way he stopped near a hotel and ordered coffee and sandwiches. I was annoyed and told him that I did not want to eat anything. Only when he reminded me that had not eaten anything from morning and that it was 11.30 p.m., did I realize that I was hungry. After the morning breakfast of a cup of tea and a chapatti. I had not had even a drop of water. I had forgotten everything. My children, husband.”
“I don’t know what the children must be going through at home,” I muttered.
“Don’t worry about them. I’ve informed your husband. He took leave and is at home with them. Every two hours I’ve been informing him about you.” He was explaining the things to me. “The children are safe with the father. I could hear that.” And again my mind was filled with Indu’ s thoughts.
Free at last. We used to call her a timid rabbit. I could never imagine Indu doing all this. But why did she not disclose to me the name of her lover? She would tell everything. Then why did she hide this from me? Who could it be? Does he know that she is no more? I pity him too. Whom could he confide in? It must have been difficult for him too to hide his feelings. Could he be feeling bad or could he be heaving a sigh of relief that it has remained a secret?
-I know.
-What is it?
-That she confessed everything to you. She was going to tell you tomorrow on her birthday.
-But, how do you know?
How naive of me! He knew everything about me. He called my husband in the office, informed
him, called home every two hours, he knew that I liked coffee, not tea, everything. So
Indu…….suddenly it struck me. So…..I looked at him enquiringly.
Yes, he nodded. The jeep came to a halt. He put his head on the steering wheel and started sobbing inconsolably. I vacantly stared at him…speechless.
( The End)
