On Parents’ Day, single parents share the challenges, choices, and realities of taking on two roles
RAMANDEEP KAUR | NT NETWORK
Single parents take on the role for different reasons. Some find themselves raising children alone after the death of a spouse, while others choose single parenthood or become single parents after leaving an unhappy marriage.
Uday Kamat, a former Doordarshan producer who retired in 2024, became a single parent in 2010 after his wife passed away following an illness. Their daughter was nine years old.
Kamat decided not to remarry. “I just wanted to concentrate on my daughter,” he says. “By God’s grace, almost 16 years have passed and now she is independent. That makes me happy.”
Arshi Uppal has been raising her 11-year-old son after losing her husband over three years ago. The marketing professional, who has been living in Goa for the past decade, says, “Losing my husband was one of the most difficult periods of my life because I was also helping my son cope with his loss while trying to keep things normal at home.”
A sudden cardiac arrest changed banker Blisse Colaco’s life in October 2023, when she lost her husband. Their son, Andreas Toscano, was four years old at the time and is now seven.
She says, “Managing my home, my son, his school and my work is challenging but my son has given me the motivation to keep going. My faith in Jesus has also helped me during this time.”
Rajesh Naik (name changed) too has been raising his two children alone for almost eight years. His children were 13 and six years old when their mother died unexpectedly.
He shares, “When the person you have loved most for over 20 years is gone in a second, your whole world stops.” He knew he had to be strong for his children, especially his daughter, who was too young to understand the loss.
Meanwhile, single parenthood was a choice for author Venita Coelho, who adopted her daughter 19 years ago at the age of 41.
“I had the full support of my mother. I used to volunteer at a centre for unmarried mothers and orphaned children. When I was ready to adopt, I went there and found my daughter when she was six months old. She came home with me when she was nine months old,” she recalls.
Born and raised in Belagavi, Kiran Thakur has been living in Goa for the past 13 years. Her two children were nine and six years old when she left the marriage. The same month, she started Nnazaqat, The Handmade Store, which she continues to run.
Thakur says, “The biggest challenge was having to appear strong all the time. That exhausted me the most.”
Learning to manage alone
One of the biggest changes for Uppal has been making decisions alone. “The buck stops with me for everything, every time. Every decision, every challenge and every unexpected situation comes back to me. In the beginning, that felt overwhelming,” she says.
Balancing work and parenting, she adds, requires planning. “I rely on routines and prioritisation, but the reality is that some days are much harder than others. You have to become organised, adaptable and resourceful.”
For Colaco, managing finances and responsibilities without her husband’s support has been hard. “There are moments when I wish my child had both parents, especially during important milestones and family occasions. I really miss my husband,” she says.
Naik had to step into roles his wife had managed earlier. Since his evening work shift ended after midnight, he moved back to his family home so his children would not be alone at night.
He says, “The toughest times were when the children fell sick. My wife used to stay awake with them all night. It was challenging to handle those situations because I needed to sleep during the day after working late into the night.”
As his children grew older, they became more independent. Naik says his relationship with them also evolved. “Like most young men, my son began forming his own opinions and we had frequent arguments. I eventually realised it was just a phase and chose not to fight over everything. My daughter, on the other hand, is calm. Even when we disagree, she doesn’t want to upset me.”
Kamat says the most difficult phase came when his daughter entered puberty, as he felt she needed guidance that a mother could provide. He says, “As a father, it is very difficult. If she has some difficulty, is in pain or needs psychological support, she cannot always come to her father for answers. In such situations, only a mother can guide.”
He also had to adjust to the demands of his job, which often involved long hours and travel. He says, “You cannot compensate for the loss of a wife. Somehow, you have to sacrifice.”
In Coelho’s case, she prepared herself before adopting her daughter by taking up a higher-paying job and saving enough to take a year off after the adoption. “I wanted time to bond with my daughter. As an author and screenwriter, I could work from home, but I wanted to give time to my role as a parent.”
Thakur, meanwhile, would have her children at her store after school, between their hockey and badminton practices, where they could grab a snack, get a hug or simply leave
their bags.
“I devoted all my time to work or the kids. I had no social life at all,” she says. She adds that she took each day as it came and raised her children with three simple rules: be kind to everyone, avoid situations they could not handle and always be truthful. “With two boys, there were many unexpected twists and turns.”
Conversations that connect
Uppal believes communication has helped her son cope with difficult moments. She says, “I encourage him to express himself and ask questions, and I want him to know that all emotions are valid. I also try to show him healthy ways of dealing with challenges.”
They spend time together building LEGO, playing games, practising yoga, watching movies and enjoying the outdoors.
Colaco keeps her husband’s memory alive by talking about him, remembering the moments they shared and celebrating his life. “I don’t think I will ever completely overcome this grief, but we have learned to live with it,” she says.
Naik too makes it a point to speak to his children about their mother. He says, “My son missed his mother very much in the first few weeks, while my daughter was too young to understand what had happened. They rarely talk about missing her, but I mention their mother often because I don’t want them to forget her.”
Kamat says his daughter has never questioned him about her mother’s death. He feels it may have been more difficult for her to process the loss if she had
been older.
He adds that children learn values and traditions by observing their parents. “When a child has a mother, they learn by looking at her. All these values and traditions come naturally. But that could not happen in my daughter’s case because I was away for work most of the time,” he says.
He feels this affected his daughter’s ease in social situations. “Since childhood, she spent much of her time alone. Even today, if I ask her to come for some function, she generally says no because she feels awkward around many people,” he says.
For Coelho, open conversations with her daughter have helped them stay connected. “I was a much older mother, so I was clear my daughter had to be self-sufficient and competent because I’m not going to be around as long as other parents,” she says, adding that it is important as a parent to handle emotional challenges by himself or herself without placing that burden on the child. “Your role is to help them become resilient and capable.”
Being emotionally available has also strengthened the bond between Thakur and her children. “They knew they could always come to me,” she says, adding that children need a peaceful home where they feel loved and supported and learn values such as kindness, resilience
and self-respect.
Now that her children are grown up, she says the roles have reversed and they are the ones looking after her.
Leaning on their circle
Family and friends have also provided support along the way for single parents.
For instance, having his mother by his side helped Kamat through some of the difficult phases while he raised his daughter. “Just because of her help, I could get through those years,” he says.
Colaco’s mother has also been her biggest support. “When I am at work, she takes care of my son and once I am home, I get time to spend with him while managing other household duties.”
She also turns to friends and colleagues when she needs someone to talk to. “I can call them anytime, share what I am feeling and I know they will be there for me,” she says.
Naik found comfort in cooking, cricket and music. He says, “My wife always wanted me to cook but I never did. After she passed away, I had to learn. Today, cooking, along with cricket and music, helps me get through the difficult days.”
On his days off, he enjoys preparing his children’s favourite meals. He credits his family, friends and colleagues for standing by him through the years. “My only priority is to raise my children into good human beings,” he says.
Coelho too acknowledges the importance of support. “It does take a village to raise a child. If you don’t have that support for your child, you need good friends who can support you.”
Looking beyond labels
Single parents often face misconceptions about their families and parenting choices. Thakur, who faced judgement after her divorce at a time when separations were less common, says society must look beyond a woman’s marital status.
“Many single mothers are carrying the responsibilities of two parents while rebuilding their careers, homes, finances and confidence,” she says, adding that her mother also raised seven children on her own. Thakur states that she does not define herself by her divorce, but by the life she has built and the relationship she shares with her children.
Uppal says single parents are judged without people knowing their circumstances. “Some assume a family is incomplete or a child is disadvantaged because the child is raised by one parent. But families come in many forms. Love, stability, values and support help children grow.”
Colaco believes families with just one parent deserve the same respect as any other. “We are just as loving and capable. There are extra challenges, but with support we manage. I hope people choose kindness over judgment and recognise the effort of parents raising children alone.”
Coelho adds, “A child doesn’t need two parents to grow up well. What matters is a stable, supportive home.”
