Sometimes the person who seems fine may just be very good at carrying what they are going through without showing it
REBECCA COELHO
September 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day. Around this time, there are usually more conversations about suicide, mental health, and reaching out to people who may be struggling. These conversations are important, but it is also important to remember that a person does not always look like they are struggling.
Someone can go to work, attend college, answer messages, make plans, laugh with friends, take care of their family, and still be having a very difficult time. There may be no obvious sign that tells everyone around them that something is wrong.
People often expect mental health issues to look a certain way. They may expect someone to cry frequently, stop functioning completely, or openly say that they are not okay. But mental health issues can look different from person to person. Someone may become quieter and withdrawn. They may stop doing things they normally enjoy. They may seem unusually tired, disconnected, or irritable. Someone who was once very involved may suddenly start keeping a distance from people.
There can also be changes that seem small. They may stop replying to messages. Plans may be cancelled more often. Someone may stop talking about the future. They may start saying things like they are a burden, that people would be better without them, that their presence does not make a difference, or that they cannot keep going.
These statements are sometimes dismissed because they do not sound serious enough.
A person may say something concerning and then laugh it off. Someone may mention that they are tired of everything and immediately change the subject. Another person may say they do not see the point anymore. It is common to assume they are only venting, especially when they continue behaving normally afterwards.
Taking someone seriously does not mean assuming the worst every time. It means not ignoring a change just because it is uncomfortable to acknowledge.
There is also a common belief that someone talking about suicide might give another person the idea. But asking someone whether they are thinking about suicide or hurting themselves does not create those thoughts. It can give someone an opportunity to talk about something they may have been keeping to themselves.
Avoiding the subject completely can sometimes leave a person feeling even more alone with what they are experiencing. The response after someone opens up also makes a difference.
Sometimes people respond with, ‘You don’t mean that’, because they are frightened and do not know what else to say. But dismissing what someone has said can make it harder for them to speak honestly again.
Calling someone a coward is not helpful either. Fear of death does not mean a person cannot experience suicidal thoughts. Someone may be in so much emotional pain that they feel there is no other way out. That does not make the person weak, selfish, or cowardly. It means the level of distress needs to be taken seriously.
Telling someone, “Think about your family”, or “Don’t be selfish”, can also add another layer of guilt. A person who is already overwhelmed may start feeling that even their pain is something they are not allowed to talk about because everyone else’s needs are being considered more important than their own.
Religious responses can have a similar effect when they are used to frighten someone rather than understand what they are going through. Telling a suicidal person that suicide is a sin or that they will go to hell may increase fear, anxiety, frustration, or helplessness. It does not address the distress that brought them to that point. A person in crisis needs support and safety, not additional fear or shame.
Someone who opens up may not need an immediate solution. They may not even know what they need.
Telling them to ‘stay positive’, comparing their problems with someone else’s, or immediately explaining why things will get better can sometimes make them feel even more alone. Listening without judgement can be a much better place to start.
This does not mean agreeing with everything the person says or pretending that nothing needs to change. It means giving them enough space to explain what is happening before rushing to correct, minimise, or solve it.
There is also a difference between listening and taking responsibility for someone’s safety alone. If someone is at immediate risk, professional or emergency support is important. A trusted family member, mental health professional, crisis service, or emergency service may need to become involved.
This is especially important when the person has a plan, access to something they could use to harm themselves, or feels unable to keep themselves safe.
Sometimes people hesitate to reach out because they believe their problems are not “serious enough”. They may think other people have it worse or that they should be able to handle things themselves. They may be worried about being judged, becoming a burden, or upsetting their family.
That is why checking in can make a difference even when there is no obvious crisis. A simple, “How have you actually been doing?” can open a different kind of conversation from “Are you okay?” because people have become very used to answering that question automatically with “I’m fine”.
It can also help to stay connected after the first conversation. One message does not always change how someone feels. Checking in again, asking them to come out with them, or making time for an ordinary conversation can remind them that they have not disappeared from other people’s lives.
Prevention is not about saying the perfect thing. It is about noticing, asking, listening, making the person feel that they matter, and helping them get the support they need.
There is no way to know everything another person is going through. Some people hide their pain because they do not know how to talk about it. Others may not even understand what is happening to them themselves.
So when someone seems different, it is better to ask than assume. And when someone talks about not wanting to be here anymore, it deserves to be taken seriously.
Sometimes a person does not need someone to have all the answers. They may just need someone to notice that they are not okay, be present with them, respond with empathy, and help them find their way towards support.
(The writer is an assistant professor in M.A. Wellness Counselling at Nirmala Institute of Education)
