If it were a choice

While June is observed as Pride Month, homosexuality is still stigmatised, which can cause a lot of anxiety, shame, and isolation for queer people

REBECCA COELHO

As June is Pride Month, there are often more conversations about sexuality and same-sex relationships. It is also a time when many of the misconceptions surrounding them come up again, including the belief that being attracted to the same sex is a choice or something a person can control. Because of that, it is important to also talk about the reality of what many people experience while growing up and coming to terms with their sexuality.

Most people grow up seeing heterosexuality as the expected, normal, and often only accepted way to experience attraction. It is shown in films, spoken about in families and schools, and brought up in everyday conversations. Hence, many people who later realise they are attracted to the same sex do not experience that realisation positively at first. For many, it is met with confusion, panic, fear, shame, and often denial.

Before even understanding themselves fully, many have already spent years hearing negative comments and reactions around them. They hear people mock homosexuality, use slurs casually, speak about it with disgust, or reduce it to jokes. In some spaces, religion is also used to create fear around it, with people being told they are immoral, sinful, or that it could affect their afterlife. Others grow up hearing homosexuality spoken about as something unnatural, shameful, or disgusting. Even when these comments are not directed at them personally, hearing them repeatedly can affect how someone sees themselves once they begin questioning their own sexuality.

For many, instead of feeling normal or expected, the realisation is often met with fear about what it means for their future, family, relationships, or place in society. Some spend years trying to suppress it, ignore it, pray it away, or convince themselves it is just a phase because accepting it can feel frightening. Many try dating the opposite gender hoping the feelings will change or become easier, but often end up feeling disconnected, uncomfortable, or uneasy in the relationship without understanding why. They also experience a sense of isolation as they feel like nobody around them understands what they are experiencing. They may wonder if they will ever find people like themselves. For some, there is also grief attached to it. They may wonder whether they will be able to openly be in a relationship, introduce their partner to their family comfortably, or build a future without fear or hiding parts of themselves. They wonder if they will find someone who will love them, grow old with them, and be there through their happiest and worst moments.

In groups where people discuss attraction to the opposite gender, relationships, crushes, marriage, or future partners, someone attracted to the same sex may feel out of place while pretending to relate. Over time, some people become overly aware of how they speak, react, dress, or behave out of fear of being judged, noticed, or perceived a certain way. Constantly filtering parts of themselves can become exhausting.

Family situations can also become uncomfortable or pressurising. Questions about marriage, assumptions about future husbands or wives, relatives asking about relationships, or jokes about “finding someone” are made automatically with heterosexuality in mind. These comments can feel uncomfortable and alienating for someone who already feels unable to be honest about their identity.

Dating can also look very different for people attracted to the same sex. A heterosexual person may meet someone naturally in public and assume attraction is at least possible. Many queer individuals do not have that certainty. Someone may see a person they are attracted to but avoid approaching them entirely because they do not know whether the person is queer, straight, or whether the person may react with hostility or homophobia. This becomes even more complicated in situations where there are fewer openly queer people around them. Because of this, many rely heavily on dating apps or online spaces to meet others safely.

For many lesbians, there is hesitation around openly rejecting men or coming out directly because same-sex attraction is often sexualised instead of respected. Some women experience their sexuality being treated as entertainment, a challenge, or something that exists for male attention. Their orientation is often met with disbelief, intrusive questions, or attempts to convince them otherwise. Even when they are clear about their lack of interest in men, their sexuality is often dismissed as something temporary or something that can be changed. They often have to deal with both homophobia and misogyny, which can make already distressing situations even more difficult to navigate.

In places where homosexuality is heavily stigmatised, there can also be fear around safety, rejection, losing relationships, or being treated differently if they are open about themselves. Many relationships end because of pressure from family, fear of rejection, or expectations to enter
heterosexual marriages.

In many countries around the world, homosexuality has been criminalised, and in some places severe punishments still exist, including imprisonment and the death penalty. Even for those not directly living under such laws, growing up aware of that reality can affect how safe or accepted someone feels. Seeing public hatred, bullying, or ridicule towards queer people can reinforce fear and shame.

One of the most common beliefs people still hold is that same-sex attraction is “a choice.” Yet many people spend years trying to suppress, ignore, or change it before eventually accepting themselves. If it were a choice, most people would not willingly choose a path that can place them at odds with their family, community, or society.

(The writer is a trauma- informed therapist from New York University)