The words we use in everyday reactions can affect how someone processes what they’re feeling
REBECCA COELHO
We hear these lines all the time, at home, with friends, at work. “You’re overreacting.” “It’s not a big deal.” “Just move on”. “Stop thinking so much”. “Others have it worse”. They’re often said casually, sometimes even to help but they don’t always land that way.
When someone is upset, anxious, hurt or overwhelmed, responses like these can create self-doubt. Instead of focusing on what they are feeling, they may begin questioning whether they are allowed to feel it at all. Over time, this can lead a person to second-guess their own emotional responses and feel guilty for having them.
Many people then learn to suppress emotions rather than express them. At that moment, suppression can look like coping. Over time, emotions that are repeatedly pushed aside may return in other ways such as irritability, anxiety, numbness, resentment, or feeling overwhelmed by situations that appear small from the outside.
Part of the difficulty is the idea that only problems that are “big enough” deserve a reaction. But emotional distress is not always measured by how something looks externally. A situation that seems minor to one person may feel significant to another because of their history, stress levels, personality, or what they are already carrying. If something is affecting a person, then it holds meaning for them.
Comparing struggles can also be unhelpful. Phrases like “others have it worse” may be intended to create perspective, but they can also create shame. One person’s difficulty does not cancel out another’s. There is almost always something worse that could happen in any situation, but that does not take away from the fact that something is still difficult. A person working five exhausting hours is not automatically less tired than someone working seven. The impact of stress depends on many factors, not just what can be seen from the outside.
Repeated emotional dismissal can also affect relationships. Some people stop opening up because they expect to be minimised or misunderstood. Others begin overexplaining themselves, trying to justify why they feel the way they do before they are even heard. In some cases, dismissive statements may start to feel normal just because they are familiar.
There can also be an internal shift over time. The outside voice can become an inner one. A person may start telling themselves to “get over it,” criticising themselves for struggling, or feeling weak for needing support. This can make it harder to recognise when they need care, rest, or help.
Sometimes dismissal appears in the form of forced positivity. Comments like “just be grateful,” “look on the bright side,” or “everything happens for a reason” can close off real emotion rather than make space for it. Positivity itself is not the issue. The difficulty is when it is used to avoid discomfort or move past someone’s pain too quickly.
Feeling understood does not always require perfect words or solutions. Often, what people remember most is whether there was room for their experience or whether it was dismissed. The effects of emotional invalidation can build over time, shaping confidence, communication and the ability to trust one’s own feelings.
(The writer is a trauma-informed therapist from New York University)
