Conversations around consent often focus only on whether someone eventually agreed. Much less attention is given to the emotional pressure, persistence, guilt, dependency, confusion, or vulnerability that may have existed before that point
REBECCA COELHO
Many people think pressure is force, threats, aggression, or someone directly refusing to take no for an answer. Hence, many situations involving emotional pressure are brushed aside, especially when someone eventually said yes, stayed, or participated. However, there is often much more context involved.
Sometimes a person enters someone else’s life during a vulnerable period andbecomes consistently available. Over time, the person receiving that support may begin associating them with feeling calmer, understood, or less alone.
But, the dynamic may slowly shift if romantic or sexual interest starts getting mixed into the emotional support. Boundaries that were already communicated may start being tested. The individual offering support may not come across as openly aggressive or disrespectful, which can make the situation difficult to recognise for what it is.
In many cases, the person receiving the support has already expressed discomfort or uncertainty. But persistence may continue in ways that do not directly appear disrespectful. The individual initiating the dynamic may act hurt, emotionally attached, disappointed, or convince the other person there is a deep connection between them. Sometimes they also present themselves as someone struggling emotionally, sharing painful experiences or personal difficulties, which can create further sympathy and emotional attachment. This can make the person receiving the support feel guilty about pulling away.
The situation may not involve physical force, but the emotional dynamic becomes difficult to navigate. The person receiving the support may wonder if they are being too harsh, confusing, or unfair to someone who “was there for them.” Some begin feeling responsible for the other person’s emotions. Others convince themselves to give things a chance because the attention, comfort, and closeness have created emotional dependence.
That is part of why people often feel confused afterwards. They may have participated in moments, responded emotionally, or even said yes while still later feeling uncomfortable about the situation. Many struggle to explain this because consent is often viewed in very black and white terms. If there was no obvious force involved, the experience may immediately be dismissed as fully consensual without looking at the emotional context surrounding it.
As a result, people blame themselves instead. They replay conversations and interactions wondering whether they “led the person on”. They focus on what they could have done differently while ignoring the fact that another adult was also capable of recognising discomfort, hesitation, or boundaries.
Women especially are often conditioned to manage situations carefully rather than directly upsetting people. They are taught to soften rejection, avoid hurting feelings, remain polite, or continue conversations even when uncomfortable. Because of this, they may place responsibility entirely on themselves afterwards. They ask themselves whether they should have been firmer, colder, or less friendly.
Online spaces can make these dynamics develop even faster. Constant messaging, emotional conversations late at night, frequent updates, checking in regularly, and becoming someone’s main source of emotional support can create closeness very quickly. Sometimes people believe the connection is genuine or exclusive, only to later realise similar patterns were happening with multiple people at the same time. That realisation can leave people feeling ashamed, used, foolish, or cheated.
In some situations, emotional closeness itself becomes part of the pressure. A person may feel uncomfortable but continue engaging because they do not want to lose the emotional support, disappoint the other individual, or seem ungrateful.
Another reason these situations become difficult to talk about is because the individual involved may not appear manipulative to others. People around them may defend them because their own experience with the person feels different. This can make those involved question themselves even more.
There is also a tendency to expect people to communicate rejection perfectly and consistently at all times. In reality, discomfort is not always expressed clearly, especially in emotionally complicated situations.
Sometimes the issue is not whether someone technically said yes, but how much guilt and pressure they were carrying before that yes happened.
(The writer is a trauma-informed therapist from New York University)
